A Modest Compromise
COVID-19 has run rampant through the entire planet. With currently over 2 million reported cases and 165,000+ deaths, it’s become one of the most rapidly horrific global pandemics in modern history.
But the problem is…the timing. See, a lot of people- especially in America, have to go to work. Currently, due to the Coronavirus being so easily transferable, contagious, and new; a lot of businesses and events have been forced to shut down with stay-at-home orders put in place in hopes of isolating the number of cases — AKA “flattening the curve” so maybe down the line, we can all go back to normal life once the virus has been minimized.
Over the weekend, Donald Trump from the hit reality show The Apprentice, tweeted “LIBERATE MICHIGAN!” along with several other states, resulting in protests of USA chanting freedom fighters who want to be able to stand outside in large groups and yell. We’ve learned a lot through the past few months, especially with our leaders’ handling of the Coronavirus. Our healthcare system is horrid and doesn’t protect employees, grocery store employees are grossly underpaid and overwhelmed, there aren’t enough ventilators in many hospitals, the response wasn’t quick enough, and the WWE is an essential service. Naturally with all of this new knowledge on how to handle this unprecedented pandemic, the biggest takeaway for some is that they hate socialism and they should be able to do what they want and no one is going to take their guns away.
So here is where the lines are drawn. Hundreds are protesting, yearning to be free to work and touch their face, while millions elsewhere around the world also want to be free but are not willing to allow themselves or their families to die so we can watch Fast & Furious 9 sooner. A compromise must be met and I propose we allow those that are protesting to display their Constitutional right to gather, as long as they’re in close quarters. These groups of patriots also should truly allow their freedom to breathe by not wearing any masks or gloves and giving up use of hand sanitizer and soap so the liberal doctors and nurses can use and distribute them instead. Cut up lines of Hydroxychloroquine, get into close proximity of each other’s nostrils, and snort it to prove how much of a hoax this whole thing is and how it’s blown out of proportion. This is after all, your civic duty. You are the heroes this country needs and this is your fight to not have to stay at home and be safe.
This begs the question, but what about the others? We’ll be fine. We will wait it out as our cuck hearts intended, seeing as the rebels currently in the streets are the ones who want to work on the frontlines. If the protesters intend to work then we should allow them the opportunity to work jobs where they won’t service anyone in the food industry or have anything to do with shipping products. After all, Donald Trump, the actor who portrayed the main antagonist’s dad from the 1994 classic film The Little Rascals, has peacocked how the cure can’t be worse than the disease. With your nationalism at stake, you have the chance for your pride to be the cure while your protests are the disease.
In short, us Socialists will remain inside our homes like the Hollywood cowards we are and you true Americans take to the streets this week, remaining in close proximity and really stick it to the orders by not going to a hospital if this blown out of proportion thing happens to shut down your entire body. You’ve fought the flu AND the cold before, so you’ve had much worse. Now you have the opportunity to fight for your country by remaining outside with hordes of people who agree with your parroted ideology. This is your right. This is your battle. This is your chance to make America great again. You wanted liberty or death. You chose death. Like a true patriot.
Martin Morrow is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles, CA. He can be followed on Twitter and Instagram @martinMmorrow. His Venmo is Martin-Morrow.