So You’ve Been #Cancelled

We’ve all seen it, we’ve all heard it, some people have lived it. From scandalous tweets or racist videos to sexual misconduct, there is no playbook on how to deal with the backlash and barrage of being the subject of internet ire. We’ve seen it happen to beloved celebrities, politicians, to even people in our small towns and communities. In some cases it’s possibly deserved but in some instances, maybe it isn’t? Rarely do we say, “I wasn’t there, so I don’t know” or “I’m not involved so I won’t weigh in on the situations of strangers”. As a society, separating ourselves from the court of public opinion is difficult as it’s given many heads of judge, jury, and executioner, leaving the defendant unable to defend themselves. And typically, nobody wants to appear to aid the villain. Our social currency depends on how we appear in the open to our community. If you’re a part of the mob and stop to say, “hey, let’s think about this”, you risk the mob turning on you. But ultimately, this isn’t about the mob, or society, or community; this is about you- the accused, the shamed, the #cancelled. I’m not here to place guilt, innocence, or a verdict. You know your side of the story, whether wrong or right, so leave that side to you. Everyone has their version of truth and you’re only responsible for your own.

1. You are not your mistakes, you are not your flaws, you are a human.
   Everyone has fucked up. Everyone. Ev-er-y-one. The difference in then and now is the world can see your fuck ups in an instance while hiding their own. I once said, “you’re only as woke as all of your social media posts from 2010.” The truth to who we are as people is we’re supposed to grow and change. That’s human nature. Your interactions, thoughts, misdeeds don’t define you. It’s fleeting moments and often times, no one can genuinely say what they would do in the same situation. Lip service or virtue signaling isn’t about being good, it’s about appearing good. You know the good things you’ve done just as much as the bad things you’ve done. Don’t let the bad overcome the good. Keep them in mind so you don’t do them again, but also remind yourself that that isn’t who you are. You didn’t come into this world evil. You loved, you shared, you did whatever you needed to do. And that’s it. You survived. So take it easy on yourself.
2. Disconnect.
   I read Jon Ronson’s So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed. I reached out to one of the subjects of the book and asked what their piece of advice is on dealing with backlash and it was to log off from social media. If you know someone is going to be mean to you but only if you walk into a house with a sign that says, “mean people here”, then you probably would avoid that house. Social media can be a source for a lot of things good and bad, but if you’re already struggling with how you feel the world views you, it’s OK to take off for a few months, a year, or forever. You have to be wise enough to avoid the things that will hurt you more. Think of the time as being cancelled as a recovery and when in recovery, you avoid any triggers. Disconnect from those triggers.
3. Be OK with not being liked.
   Be it in innocence or guilt, some people will go with what they heard and that’s good enough for them. They won’t like you. They won’t like you if you’re bad, bettering yourself, or on top of the world. Maybe their close to the source. Maybe they’re disappointed. Maybe they never liked you. Maybe they have their own trauma they’re dealing with that is close to whatever situation. You may never know. And that’s fine. “What other people think of me is none of my business.” You can’t make people like or accept you and once you get over that wanting of trying to get everyone on your side, you learn to accept yourself better.
4. Review but don’t dwell.
   Think of your course of actions, words, and interactions carefully. Think of them from the perspective of others and how it may have affected their day, their mood, their life. Maybe something triggered a response that lead to something else. Maybe it’s the input of outside sources. It could be a myriad of things. You can think about it, feel it, and certainly ask questions about it but don’t let it consume you. Your entire life and legacy shouldn’t be linked to your greatest error(s). If you remain in the moment of “what went wrong” you won’t be able to figure out how to make it right. Your thoughts will eat away at you and you’ll only build resentment all around. The key is to always get better and think better.
5. Forgive.
   Forgiveness is a powerful tool. Not everyone has it. That doesn’t make anyone weak or less, but there is so much strength in not carrying hurt. You have to forgive people who called you out or said things about you. You have to forgive people who never spoke to you personally, who blocked you, who went after your livelihood or family. You have to forgive people who you loved, who hurt you, who you hurt. Most importantly you have to forgive yourself. You weren’t meant to be perfect. You never came close. You were supposed to figure it out. And nobody’s path is like yours. Nobody learned what or how you do. Nobody interacted with the same people like you. You didn’t dig a hole, you dug a tunnel. A tunnel of learning about the feelings of yourself and others. We all have our triggers and buttons. We all have our unique experiences that are good and bad. Your job is to communicate yours and hope to learn others. Revenge is not the answer. And if you are in the right, you will see karma take her course. Your job is to focus on you and let those who matter see what’s better.
6. This isn’t the end of your world, just the end of this world.
   It’s difficult to process feeling completely ostracized. We work from adolescence to feel accepted, liked, and gain friends. Some people take the route of being a bully, some take up sports or hobbies, some just adapt their personality to shape those around them. Losing all of that which you worked for is hard and pressing. But community isn’t about the needs of the individual, but the wants of many. Their concern won’t grow around what you did or didn’t do, but how others will view it. Take your lickings. In some cases you’ll feel a lot of “whataboutisms”. Someone did something worse, someone did something of equal value, whatever. You can’t worry about them. You have to worry about you. And that world, that life, that community may be cut off for now. It could be forever. It’s ultimately not up to you. You take your time focusing on you and how you improve as a person.
7. Apologize if you need to, atone if you can, but growing is a must.
   Time heals all wounds. If you and whoever it is on the other end, be it a person or group, are in a safe place and allowed, apologize if you can. Remember some apologies are for you. Some apologies are for them. And some apologies are for feelings. If there is a way you can atone, you should. Was it a tweet about a specific minority group? Do your research on why that language is harmful, donate money or volunteer time. Did you make a video that hurt an individual? Say why what you did was bad, fix it however you can or they see fit. It doesn’t always have to be publicly or on some grand scale. And it doesn’t have to be immediate. Do it when it’s genuine and when you’re ready and when they’re ready. Don’t force something and don’t double down on the uncomfortableness someone may already be feeling. No matter what though, learn from all of it. The good, the bad, the truth, the fiction and let that be the lesson. Let that be the cursor to your growth and development from here on so you don’t make the same mistakes and make sure those around you also don’t fall into those problems. The misdeeds from our past are to show others the way to betterment.
8. This is traumatic and it’s OK to get help.
   There are still a lot of studies being done about social media and its effects on the human mind and condition, both good and bad. Whatever your situation, often times people who are cancelled are left feeling suicidal. There’s a lot of isolation, a lot of insults about your life, upbringing, body, mind, etc. There’s a lot that can be hurtful. Whether you did wrong or not, you’re still human. We tend to forget that when we use words to protect ourselves or be a part of the narrative of taking someone down. Everyone is the hero of their own story. So what we think might be for the good of the pack could be harmful in the long run. At the end of the day, there are only a few people responsible for whatever the situation may be. There are only a few people who can fix it. There are only a few people who can talk about what really happened or why whatever was said or tweeted or done. And if you’re one of them, you have to deal with that. Go to a therapist, go to a psychologist, go to a support group. Go somewhere you won’t feel judged but especially go somewhere you won’t feel alone.
9. You are not irredeemable.
   A common way we write off criminals is saying, “he/she/they’re just going to do the same thing again.” We treat addicts the same as well. Believing that whatever offense they’ve committed or harm they’ve done are a mark on who they were, are, and forever will be. Don’t take that bait. Work to be good. Don’t focus or worry about being great. And certainly don’t let what they think of you allow you to drown in darkness or truly become the bad guy. Criminals go to prison because they’ve done something illegal and have to serve their sentence and hopefully rehabilitate. That’s where the term “productive member of society” comes from. But if they’re isolated, if they’re thrown into drugs or gangs while in prison, they’re likely to not have that rehabilitation so they can good on the outside. Don’t let yourself be isolated. Don’t let yourself become the negative of your personal growth. If everyone else sees this as the villain getting their comeuppance, you should see it as the beginning of your hero’s journey. You know your heart. You know your soul. You know your truth. Keep pushing and let that goodness sore. Be better than they can ever expect. Because their baseline for you is bad, terrible, or ways to make you inhumane. So just aim to be good. And find comfort in that.
10. Love yourself.
    With every flaw, every fuck up, every mistake, every action, every reaction, every error, every crazy thing you did, every terrible thing you said, every lie you told, every absolutely shitty move- love yourself. You own it, it happened, and you gotta surround yourself with people who know you, who listen, and who love unconditionally. We change not because we want to, but because we have to. And that change and love is worth every bit of #renewal.